Dear friends and dear family:
We have gathered here today
To celebrate the beauty of
Rooney & Jolley,
Two of humanity's finest human beings,
Who were taken from us all
By a terrible limousine accident
As a bisexual who saw them both
In the tux, the dress, and the buff,
I know I will speak for everyone
As I recall what made them truly great

Rooney made the babes cry like Niagara,
Sent them flying without taking Viagra
More pork in his barrel than ConAgra
So orgasmic it mattered little to me
That he never remembered my name
Even as my body recalled his stamina

Jolley had organic Hollywood breasts,
Those teeth as white, as bright, as Crest
Two hips that kicked like George Best
Bucked in bedrooms like Denver Broncos
More black tea in her tank than Texaco
Hon had a tongue that could summon tornados

Sit down, sit down, sit down &
Reflect on the sex machine eulogies
Send folks off into Heaven the way
That we measured them in mortality

Rooney, Jolley
Jolley, Rooney
Rooney, Jolley
The King and Queen of perfecting sexy
Rooney, Jolley
Jolley, Rooney
Rooney, Jolley
The King & Queen of God's Eternity

If only Rooney would resurrect,
So we could worship his ass
If only Jolley would wake up,
So we could adore her rack
O our dear Barbecue Backside,
(Why?!)
O our dear Aphrodite Melons,
(Why?!)
We can't focus without you
(Why?!)

Sit down, sit down, sit down and
Reflect on the sex machine eulogies
Send folks off into Heaven the way
(the way, the way, the way),
That we measured them in mortality
Let's celebrate this commemoration
Of these two divine creations
By honoring all the living who
Stay foxy until their cremations

Rooney epitomized the total individual
Hairline paid out daily residuals
Enough to house domesticated animals
His winks hardened any nearby nipples
Whenever he passed a wishing well,
He never tinkled, or stole the nickels
Hardly wrapped his assets with Wranglers
Or lifted his shirt to flash that six pack
Standard envy before hotties attacked

Jolley exemplified such a special person
Her glance made every loin burn
Topped VH1's Top 100 Head Turns
Infidel to all underwear religions
Ensured that men knew they were
Near a miracle of soy-milk skin
Manis and pedis like Christmas lights
She pilfered from select purses only
Always told a party hostess goodnight

Sit down, sit down, sit down and
Reflect on the sex machine eulogies
Send folks off into Heaven the way
That we measured them in mortality
Clutch their memory to your breast,
The memory of their lasting beauty

Rooney!
Jolley!

Rooney
Jolley
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Sex Machine Eulogies Lyrics

Vital Organ Auction – Sex Machine Eulogies Lyrics