I will never forget the night that J.D. Salinger
Pasted his face to my bedroom window
And demanded to know all my thoughts
About every work of his I'd ever read
He told me that I owed him as a fan
Because I'd powerfully shared publicly
My affection for the precision of his dialog
And the innovation of his short stories

I tried to explain to the maniac that I said
All there was to say in that one declaration
But he said that he knew there was more
And he wouldn't stop until I helped him feed
The ravenous wolf packs that I unleashed
Inside him with the kindness of my insights

And he kept showing up
So I kept calling the cops

Salinger's outside my house again
Salinger's outside my office again
He thinks he's Spider-Man again,
Crawling all over my timeshare condo
Why can't authors embrace our privacy
The way they instigate these imbroglios?

I decided to build a barrier around my home
But Salinger remained relentless with me
He'd follow me to Burger King and ask
How I could possibly enjoy the Whopper
When I claimed I hated society
As he continued to steal my French fries,
I asked him where he got his information

He told me that biographers and filmmakers
Wanted to feature a fan for the planet
And they'd been dishing my dirt to him
I responded that they'd never spoken
To me or to anyone from my inner circle,
Adding that he better leave BK soon
And slapped his hand off my milkshake

But he kept showing up
So I kept calling the cops

Salinger's outside KFC again
Salinger's outside Arby's again
He's dressed as Ronald McDonald again,
Thinking disguises can hide his intentions
You should see him run in those red shoes
When security arrives for clown intervention

''Well lucky me'' or so I thought after I died,
Thinking that he couldn't bug me now
But he stalked my plot on night one,
Bellowing for my bones to rise again
I could see flower foundations collapsing
As he stomped them because I left him

He announced he was there with colleagues
Who enjoy graveyard invasions like he does
Closing my eyes tighter than death's usual drape,
I hoped their obsession wouldn't go this far
But dirt began to fly and I couldn't get away
Clicking cameras and video recorders descended
Alongside Salinger who reached out for me,
Shook my body, and yelled ''Hello!''

Salinger says he'll get answers from my family
He says that he'll get them from my friends
He says he'll approach my former neighbors
I can hear wolves howling between our bodies
And I wonder if two skeletons must disintegrate
Before J.D. and I will finally rest in peace
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