Distinguished members
Of our decorated society,
Your attention to center stage
If you would please
The Order of Nostalgic Waxers
Has called this meeting
To discuss the mystery
Of modern global terrorism

Whatever happened to halcyon days
When our ancestors would invade
On their ships as big as tidal waves
While polite natives just stood ashore
Without spears and without swords
To welcome another uninvited war?
They'd just surrender their property,
Praise the remains of their bodies
And stuff their children with stories
About offering gratitude, building shrines
To Europeans whipping them in goldmines
For economics right from the Divine

Why can't today's targets be more civilized?
They won't let residences get revitalized
Instead they go and strap bombs to their bodies
Just because we strapped bombs to their countries
Have they lost their heads like they lost the right god?
Pray tell this absence of circumstance and pom-poms
That's no way to treat other human beings

Today's ingrates just don't appreciate
The importance of these brutal dictates
Propped up by a perfect foreign state
That manipulates markets everywhere
To ensure that welfare billionaires
Won't suffer as multimillionaires
Then they set up these insurgencies
When we must unleash our military
'cause democracy requires atrocities
No respect for the rich traditions
Of murder, plunder, and violation
To fatten God's newest favorite nation

Instead they go and strap bombs to their bodies
Just because we strapped bombs to their countries
Have they lost their heads like they lost the right god?
Don't they know our domain includes home and abroad?
That's no way to treat other human beings
The future teems with guaranteed enemies

These people lack perspective
On drone attacks in the East
They see white ghosts of death
In our dark drones of peace

When missiles preserve their faces,
They won't turn the other cheek
Only hundreds of charred civilians
But they're mourning past a week

Modern foreigners must fathom
That freedom cannot be free
Like Yahweh demanded lambs,
It requires sacrificial bodies

If they attained the power
To become the world's police,
We would let them invade here
And treat them like Divinity

Throw roses to their gunboats
Hold their slogans in our brains
House their faces in our hearts
Shout praises to their airplanes

Then we'd merely bow down
As if the bombs bursting in air
Were simply the heavenly hosts
Just answering all our prayers

But because American behavior
Will be the first eternal empire,
People should honor ancestors
The way that we honor ours;
They should live their lives
The way that we live ours;
They should bless black skies
After we're done shooting stars

And to the ones who do survive,
Or expand beneath cyclops eye:
Flick your switches as you protest
Rebels who became kings and tsars
The American Century always promised
An American Millennia to protect us
From having to exchange our skin
For the permanence of your scars
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