My lady gives birth today,
I run to her room right away,
She smiles with glee then hands her to me,
I look at my newborn and say

Damn that's an ugly baby!
Damn that's an ugly-ass baby!
I'm feeling quite concerned,
My semen must have turned,
Damn that's an ugly baby

This is just what I feared,
Her head is mishappen and weird,
She's skinny like a twig,
At least her nuts are big,
But her hair color doesn't match her beard

Damn that's an ugly baby!
Goddamn that's an ugly-ass baby!
I give the doc a smack and say,
Can't you stuff her back in,
Damn that's an ugly baby

And when she smiles I find,
Shea mcgowan comes to mind,
It makes me want to cry,
When I look into her good eye,
I always wanted kids,
Is it wrong to hope for SIDS?

Then the doctor calls me in,
Mr. lynch, she has a twin...

Damn that's a good lookin baby!
One for two on the good lookin babies,
I almost start to weep,
Now this one we can keep,
Cause that was an ugly ass baby

Damn that's an ugly baby,
Damn that's an ugly ass baby
Damn that's an ugly baby
Damn that's an ugly baby

(I said damn damn damn! I wanna throw that shit in the dumpster)

Well she's got one good tooth and one ear and one eye,
And thank god just one nose but its on her left thigh,
The thought of changing her diaper each day,
Or powdering her ass with that tail in the way,
I think I could get a good price on ebay

I don't want any ugly baby,
I said damn that's an ugly baby,
Damn that's an ugly baby
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Baby Lyrics

Stephen Lynch – Baby Lyrics