When you're down in t'dumps (in the mouth), don't feel at your best,
Your 'go' has got up and gone
If your mojo's not worked, for a fortneet (fortnight) or more,
Here's a clue as to what's going on.
When you're blown up with gas, got the cramps or the runs,
You feel woozy way down to your shoes,
When you've got bad breath and nausea, it's simply because
You've got the Lactose Intolerance Blues.

Now listen
It's not something cholic, it's just metabolic,
Your lactase is painfully low
It can't break down glucose or suck up your sucrose
And your enzymes don't cut it no mo'
It's a human botrytis, like gastro-enteritis
Do parasites hold all the clues
Is campylobacter a critical factor
Of the Lactose Intolerance Blues. Yeah.

So take care and be wary, avoid milk and dairy,
You'll no more be a pariah
Those embarrassing slurps, inelegant burps
And your flatulence will simply expire
Your friends will adore you, no longer ignore you
They'll all be thrilled with the news,
No more dextrose averse, you've battled the curse
And beat the Lactose Intolerance Blues.
Leave out the dairy
The Lactose Intolerance Blues. Oh yeah.
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Lactose Intolerance Blues Lyrics

Phil Drane – Lactose Intolerance Blues Lyrics