Tom: I'm going to come back and I'm going to start a therapeutic massage center only for for...
Mark: I'm going to start my own nudist colony
Tom: That would be grose, you tried that in our bus one time
Mark: I tried to start our own nudist colony one time in our bus and it was pretty much just me hanging out naked, they love you Tom
Tom: They love me so fuck everybody else
Mark: Yea fuck all you guys out there that are cheering, we hate you Tom you suck dick burn in hell
Tom: Yea fuck that, hey I say I say fuck the hating Tom thing that's what I say, are we ready Mark?
Mark: You know it is you know it is what it is a lot of these people are just now hopping on the we hate Tom bandwagon, like I've been hating tom since like 1995 I'm old school hating Tom guy alright
Tom: Oh shit, hey let's all say some dirty words, everybody say fuck, everybody say shit, everyone say dick, everyone say Mark's an ass hole
Mark: Everyone say, everyone say we hate Mark, yea
Tom: Hey now let's do this one, everyone say fuck fuck shit fuck, that's the kind of words you should be using at home kids
Mark: That's right
Tom: What do we do now?
Mark: I want everyone to call me an ass hole again
Tom: What's up I like your hair it's very nice
Mark: You like his hair oh cool thanks he probably appreciates that a lot
Tom: I wanted to say I liked your but but I thought that was to foward you know
Mark: Hey this next song is for all the ladies in the hezouse, hea he it's for all the ladies in the heoueoueouze
Tom: Shut the fuck up
Mark: It's for all the ladies in the houaeiouze, weee. Hey you know what hang on I want to make this like a
Tom: (belch) exuse me
Mark: Exuse Tom
Mark: I want to make this like a big golf tournimant everyone shut up everybody just clap like it's a golf tournament
Tom: That's what it sounds like when I get done having sex, 15, 000 people cheering me on, I could take all of you in my bed right fucking now, but you're not invited Mark. You have got giant boobs and I doubt you're 18, do you have a note from your mom, I want to meet your mom...
Mark: Hey put those 13 year old boobs away, if I wanted to see 13 year old boobs I'd hang out by the Junior high like my dad does
Tom: Hey you know what I learned in fifth grade?
Mark: What's that your dad has a bent weiner?
Tom: My dad's weiner was bigger than mine then and still is
Mark: I want everyone here to scream, fuck you Tom, we fucking hate you you're going to burn in hell and die a horrible firery death cause' we hate you stupid pieces of shit
Tom: I heard that
Tom: You want to give me your shirt? this smells like blood and feces, dinner time, ok what does this say here
Mark: It smells like blood and feces, so it's your dad's shirt?
Tom: Hey uh just like every other band we believe in a safe form of sex don't we Mark?, that we do so Mark's going to tell you about how safe we are
Mark: Let me tell you about the safest form of sex, it's when you get super drunk and you have sex with like ten people totally unprotected and you do intravenous drugs at the same time, no it's not true
Tom: It's not true you have to carry a weapon. How many of you guys have girlfriends? and how many of your girlfriends have guy friends?, I hope you're not having sex
Mark: And more importanly how many of your girlfriends have girlfriends?
Tom: Cause' we believe in the love that exists between two vaginas
Mark: The most special kind of love of all is the love that exists between two naked women while I watch
Tom: We need her to put her shirt back on
Tom: It just took away my boner, my boner just died, I had one and now it's gone
Mark: Please I saw your boobs and my wiener ran away. Hey hey hang on everyone everyone seriously I need your attention for just a second please, I think somebody lost a contact down here so everyone look around a contact lense hey someone lost a contact lense so uh...
Tom: I lost my virginity
Mark: Keep an I out for it
Tom: I lost a testacle, hey what if testacles were things you could lose on a everyday basis that would suck, you've only got three, hey I've got to go pee pee
Mark: Do you want to go pee and I'll talk to the kids for a second
Tom: Do you think you can talk for enough time?
Mark: No uh uh
Tom: Why don't you gather your thoughts?
Mark: Why don't you just wet your pants and we'll call it even?
Tom: Should I just piss in my pants right here, if you guys all pitch in a dollar each I'll piss my pants right here now, that should pay me about two-hundred bucks maybe
Mark: I'll give you three-hundred dollars to piss your pants right now
Tom: I'll give you four-hundred bucks to eat my shit
Tom: Sold, apparently there's a kid that's hurt right now and I think they're helping them out right now, it looks like they're right there
Mark: Make a hole people, make a hole
Tom: All you people over there make way for the hurt kid and bring me their wallet
Mark: I wish now you know let me tell you guys something...
Tom: I'm gay!
Mark: There's thousands and thousands of people here today there's like semis and fucking buses and multiple bands and all kinds of shit, I wish now I would have taken bass lessons, sorry sorry
Tom: So do I, I wish you did too
Mark: I'm thinking for Christmas this year I'm going to ask for lessons
Tom: I know a guy, he has sex with his sister, he used his dick to pop her four foot blister, and I know it's not that cool, he fucked her in my swimming pool, he's got three testacles, and he loves to do shit, fuck yea. Hey how come every time we say a joke it has to be about fucking sex, masturbation, insest or anything grose like that you know?
Mark: Is there anything else in the world?
Tom: There's nothing else to talk about
Mark: Hey can you help that little girl out of there she's not having so much fun right now? hey
Tom: Uh exuse me, security guard sir
Mark: The one right in front of you, yea
Tom: Yea that girl right there needs to come out, if you're a small person the front is not the best view, and if you hate seeing shitty bands any of this is not a good view, this whole everything every seat here. Mark's middle name is Rebecca, they thought he was a...
Mark: That's right, my middle names Rebecca because my dad wanted a girl, he treats me like one
Tom: I still have to go pee and I'm holding it in still, I'll piss my pants though for money, I'll eat a nugget of my own poop for twenty bucks, I'll pay you twenty bucks and I'll eat it
Mark: You shave your ass
Tom: You have hair on nothing but your balls, you know Mark has no hair on his whole body but a fucking wolverine growning in his pants, I swear to God, it's got teeth and shit
Mark: It's true
Tom: He's got a scary looking penis
Mark: It's true I need your tax deductable donations for the shave Mark's balls program, please
Tom: It's for charity kids
Mark: Please send what you can, donate your time
Tom: You guys think that we're touring for our own, no this is a charity tour for Mark's balls
Mark: We're trying to raise enough money to shave my nuts, please give generously
Tom: There's no metal strong enough to be the teeth on any kind of electric shaver, what do we do now?, oh I need a new guitar
Mark: We need a new guitar, we need a new guitarist, any one out there play guitar?
Tom: Does anybody know how to play guitar? cause' I'm not very good, people don't really respect me
Mark: If I were a girl, every time I went to the gynecologist, I'd fake an orgasm
Tom: Bad kids
Mark: Bad christmas spirit
Tom: Bad christmas spirit
Mark: Hey ok I need light now
Tom: We're going to point out every single person that didn't sing
Mark: Santa Claus is going to come to your house and shit under all your trees
Tom: Santa Claus is going to come rape your dogs, Oh God you know what I'm kind of ashamed of being myself today, and yesterday and the day before that, not really proud of who I am or how I look. Any one have one of those days were you don't even really like what you're wearing, you know, you don't like how your hair looks, and kind of bumed about how your penis is so small and bent and wierd. That is the ugliest but I have ever seen. Let's hear it for not wiping! And this guy fuck wiping dude, brings down the rain forest. Ok this is a song I wrote...
Mark: That guy has a science fair project up his ass
Tom: Uh what head's up seven up, everyone close your eyes and if I come by and put my finger in your butt than you're the one.
I think that Satan has a couple of comments:
Well kids it's been a really fun show, and I want you all to know that we'll come back soon, but before I go I want to say I think Tom is extemely good looking and all the girls out there should think he's good looking. Tom has one of the best butts that I've ever seen, shimi shimi coco puff shimi shimi right shimi shimi coco puff. Does anybody here want to sleep with me. I'm really a nice guy, it's really not Satan...
It's me it's not Satan let's all be happy he's not here say fuck Satan
Alright I'm out of jokes and out of songs, I think we're done.