Four men--Marvin, mendel, jason, and whizzer--enter in darkness. Each
Carries a flashlight and wears sunglasses. Whizzer carries a toy bed.)

Four men:
Four Jews in a room bitching.
Four Jews in a room plot a crime.
I'm bitching. He's bitching.
They're bitching. We're bitching.
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
Funny funny funny funny

(They point their flashlights at the bed and slowly kneel.)

Bitch--bitch--
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
All--the--
Time...

(Trina enters.)

Mendel:
Whadda they do for love?

Other men:
Ooooh.

(Mendel shines his flashlight at trina's chest.)

Mendel:
Whadda they do for love?

Other men:
Ooooh.

All:
Four jews in a room

Mendel:
Bitching

Jason:
Bitching

Marvin:
Bitching

Whizzer:
Bitching

Four men:
Four Jews in a room stoop--

Mendel:
They stoop--

Four men:
--to pray.

Jason (through door):
I'm Jewish.

Marvin (through door):
I'm Jewish.

Mendel:
I'm Jewish.

Whizzer (through door):
Half Jewish.

Four men:
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
Funny funny funny funny
Bitch--bitch
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
Night and day.

(The men run offstage. Trina drags in a huge wooden representation of the Red Sea.)

Trina:
Slavery. Slavery.

Four men (returning in biblical robes):
We crossed the desert
Running for our lives
Fleeing from the Pharoah
Who was up to no good.

Now we're at the Red Sea
Pharoah is behind us
Wanting us extincted.

Jason:
What we need's a miracle!

All:
And then the Red Sea
Split before us--

(The Red Sea splits and flies offstage.)

No more tsouris.

Mendel:
We got our miracle!

Jason (echoing):
We got our miracle!

Marvin (another echo):
We got our miracle!

All:
Four Jews itching for answers
Four Jews bitching their whole life long.

Whizzer:
I'm Whizzer.

Jason:
I'm Jason.

Mendel:
I'm Mendel.

Marvin:
I'm Marvin.

Four men:
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
Funny funny funny funny
Bitch--bitch--
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
Right or wrong.

Jason:
In case of smoke please call our mothers on the phone
And say their sons are all on fire

Marvin and whizzer:
We are manipulating people and we need to know
Our worst sides aren't ignored.

Mendel (opens door and enters, arm gallantly in air):
The guilt invested will, in time, pay wisely.

Whizzer and jason:
We do not tippy-toe.

Whizzer:
We charge ahead to show--

Mendel:
We're good in bed.

(Whizzer puts his hand on mendel's shoulder.)

Whizzer:
Excel in bed.

(Marvin puts his hand on whizzer's shoulder.)

Marvin:
We smell in bed.

(Whizzer puts his hand on marvin's. Jason picks up the bed and hides it behind his back.)

Jason:
Where is the bed?

Mendel:
I love the bed.

Jason:
Who has the bed?

Whizzer:
I want the bed.

(Mendel takes the bed from jason.)

Jason:
Who stole the bed?

Marvin:
Who stole the bed?

Whizzer:
I lost it twice.

(Mendel puts the bed on the floor. All go to floor, toward bed.)

Mendel:
The bed is mine.

Whizzer:
The bed is nice.

Four men:
The bed is--
Four Jews in a room bitching (wheee!)
Four Jews talking like Jew-ish men
I'm neurotic, he's neurotic,
They're neurotic, we're neurotic.
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
Funny funny funny funny.

Marvin:
I'm nauseous.

Whizzer:
I'm nauseous.

Jason:
I'm simple.

Mendel:
I'm Jewish.

Trina (vacuuming):
Slavery. Slavery.

Four men (at trina):
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
Funny funny funny funny.

(All at once:)
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Four Jews In A Room Bitching Lyrics

William Finn – Four Jews In A Room Bitching Lyrics