Some friends and I in a public house Was playing a game of chance one night When into the pub a fireman ran His face all a chalky white. "What's up", says Brown, "Have you seen a ghost, Or have you seen your Aunt Mariah?" "Me Aunt Mariah be buggered!", says he, "The bleedin' pub's on fire!"
And there was Brown upside down Lappin'' up the whiskey on the floor. "Booze, booze!" The firemen cried As they came knockin' on the door (clap clap) Oh don't let 'em in till it's all drunk up And somebody shouted MacIntyre! MACINTYRE! And we all got blue-blind paralytic drunk When the Old Dun Cow caught fire.
"Oh well," says Brown, "What a bit of luck. Everybody follow me. And it's down to the cellar If the fire's not there Then we'll have a grand old spree." So we went on down after good old Brown The booze we could not miss And we hadn't been there ten minutes or more Till we were quite pissed.
Then, Smith walked over to the port wine tub And gave it just a few hard knocks (clap clap) Started takin' off his pantaloons Likewise his shoes and socks. "Hold on, " says Brown, "that ain't allowed Ya cannot do that thing here. Don't go washin' trousers in the port wine tub When we got Guinness beer."
Then there came from the old back door The Vicar of the local church. And when he saw our drunken ways, He began to scream and curse. "Ah, you drunken sods! You heathen clods! You've taken to a drunken spree! You drank up all the Benedictine wine And you didn't save a drop for me!"
And then there came a mighty crash Half the bloody roof caved in. We were almost drowned in the firemen's hose But still we were gonna stay. So we got some tacks and some old wet sacks And we nailed ourselves inside And we sat drinking the finest Rum Till we were bleary-eyed.
Later that night, when the fire was out We came up from the cellar below. Our pub was burned. Our booze was drunk. Our heads was hanging low. "Oh look", says Brown with a look quite queer. Seems something raised his ire. "Now we gotta get down to Murphy's Pub, It closes on the hour!"