I'd like to call somebody to the stage that you know as a folk singer But that you haven't met in his other role
Paul is a comedian with a unique point of view and commentary And in this capacity, ladies and gentlemen Please welcome with me to the stage, my good friend My compatriot, Paul Stookey
That was the sound of a golf ball Or if you're a ping-pong enthusiast, that was a sound of a ping-pong ball Except generally you'll hear
That's the sound of a match between a golfer and a ping-pong enthusiast
I played golf today, 18 holes I played golf, wooo I did pretty good too, I think you would have been very proud of me Four. Five. Six Seven
I don't like sports very much There's a vast number of sports that I'm not invlved in. There's water skiing In order to water ski, really you should swim, right? You're not gonna stay up there all the time, now And I don't like to swim, really You know what swimming is to me? Staying alive when I'm in the water. Barely I'll do anything to stay afloat Even swallow Co2 cartriges
But I didn't come out here to talk about sports I really, I came out here, Peter talks about status And I cannot think of one material object that has more status in this country Than the automobile And it starts at a very early age now, right? I mean, now at 14, kids want the car, right? They get cheaters permits so they can drive You get a learners permit at 15, a cheaters permit at 14 And it's, I guess it's really necessary because You lose a lot of face calling up a girl and asking her If you can peddle right over and pick her up, right?
They don't really go for that any more And if you look back on all the times you had the automobile Aside from a few interesting saturday evenings You got to admit that one of the nicest times of all Was a sunday afternoon, if you could get the car You come down the stairs, ker-clunk ker-clunk ker-clunk ker-clunk Mom, dad, gonna take the car, ha haaa Beautiful day for a drive, I think I'll go out Ha haaa haaa ha huuu
And then, and then they level you with that giant killer, right? HAVE YOU DONE YOUR HOMEWORK?
If you were fast, you'd say, mom, dad, have I done my homework? Run out the door You pick up 3 other great pretenders, 3 oclock in the afternoon The time is now 10 oclock in the evening The same 4 guys are in the same car Well, whata you wanna do? I don't know, whada you wanna do? Hey, we've been driving for 7 hours Hey, I got an idea, he he Yeah, what's that? Lets go to a drive-in resturant and look at the girls, hehehe Oh, ok Well, here they are, but they're all from our high school Wait a minute, there's a car load over there There's a place right next to them, lets go get it
Don't look at 'em Here's the conversation in the girls car you never heard
Here they come There they are Don't look at 'em
Remember the time when drive-ins first opened And the girls used to come out to take your order? Now you're lucky you know, if you get a girl in slacks who delivers it I understand they're even putting in conveyor belts in some drive-in resturants There was a time when the little girls came running out in short little skirts Remember them? You pull in And the little girl would come running up May I take your order sir? Yes, but I don't believe it's on the menu, ha ha They don't, they don't let you flirt any more now They give you a little green box with a white button on it A little speaker grill, right
Oh, ok, um, We'd like one cheeseburger deluxe special extra The one you have out here with the little white cup With that whatever that's in there, we'll take it, whatever it is And uh, we'd like two hamburgers medium rare with everything on 'em And one hamburger, no, one hamburger, meat, no hamburgers One frank, and three chiliburgers, ok? Alright, and we'd like two chocolate shakes, regular thick, for spoons you know THICK And we'd like two strawberry shakes thin Water them down, or milk them down a little, ok 'Cause we got somebody here with chapped lips and they'd like it thin Can, you understand what I mean? Are you there?
Well, could you tell us what we have please?
And four six-packs We'll take it And after you get your food order in, you got at least 40 minutes to wait Even if it's just a cup of coffee you got 40 minutes to wait And you cannot get out of your car, right Remember there was a time when drive-ins first opened You used to pull in and get out, exchange hellos, greetings Evidentally some people were getting out and exchanging Something a little heavier than hellos and greetings They have policemen there to keep you in your car You can be 47 years old and drop your credit cards on the ground Officer, that's my wallet I don't care who you are kid back in the car If you do get out, you gotta be very careful Because the new resturants have radar now So you have to crawl on your belly between the cars You get over to the side of the car Psssst Psssst down here! I can't come up, they'll spot me Put down your window
Power windows, huh? Whoo, this is a pretty fancy car Hey, you're a pretty fancy broad
If you did manage to get out of the drive-in resturant without being maimed There was a sporting event taking place at the traffic light Remember, with all of two characters Mr. Businessman who drove a 4-door family sedan with black-wall tires Automatic transmission Seated next to him in a 1941 gray primer coated Ford With it's rear end 2 inches off the ground Tomato cans for mufflers With his back to the drivers window, his left arm draped over the steering wheel His right hand gripped onto the gearshift lever A sneer on lips sat THE KID
Well, Mr. Businessman has just had his bands tightened, and Those of you who are not quite sure what I mean By having your bands tightened The bands are the rings in an automatic transmission Which actually affect the gear change Uh huh, I'll give you an example This is an automobile with tight bands
This is an automobile with loose bands
Well, Mr. Businessman has just had his bands tightened And he thinks that he will show THE KID a thing or two Meanwhile, THE KID Has inched these 2 fingers up over his left arm This is the universal signlanguage among teenagers for dragging You probably recall Winston Churchill during the war years Which everyone assumed meant V for victory Actually if you'll also recall Winston Churchill smokes a cigar, right? He used to hold it in here, right? And occationally he would turn to his friends on the stage and say Want a drag? See, and the kids picked it up The light changes The light changes to amber and Mr. Businessman decides to get very daring He pulls the automatic transmission down into low He puts one foot on the brake Still holding the foot on the brake, in order to get that extra fast start He pulls the automatic transmission down into low And pushes down on the accelerator five inches The car is internally hemorraging He knows, he knows, he knows he's gonna have to have another band job He's not gonna let THE KID show him up The light changes to green, Mr. Businessman is off
Looks at the speedometer, 80, 90, 95, 96, 97, 98 miles an hour Looks out the window and The Kids not even there You know what's there?
He looks in the rear view mirror and The Kids still back at the corner He never races anybody He just sits there and scares the hell out of them