Like any morning of my junior year I stumble in the classroom late but this
Day I see Faces, I feel an air like a funeral, like a wake, as I sit
Down. My teacher speaking, somewhat somberly, but still confident
And calm. Part eulogy, her speech, and part poem, part celebration
Song. Her warmth and smile, she passes photocopies out to us of
Entries from a journal Kept so long ago. She starts to read and
Suddenly it's 1980.
March 5—The cancer is furious but our son is resilient, we have all the
Faith we'll get through this no matter what the end. Treatments are violent
But he keeps on smiling. It's amazing finding joy in the little things.
April 12—Andrew's appetites improved and we thank God everyday. But still
It's hard sometimes to see him in that scarecrow frame.
July 9—There's a suffering when I look in his eyes. He's been through so
Much. We've all been through so much but what incredible resolve our little
Boy shows, only 7, standing face to face with death. He said it's easy to
Find people who have suffered worse than him. "Like Jesus, suffered worse
Than anyone," he told me last night, "when God abandoned him."
September 20—We've been playing in the yard lately and spirits are high
Although his blood counts aren't.
October 14—He feels tired all the time.
November 30—At the hospital again. It feels like home when we're here.
December 8—He's getting worse.
January 19—We buried our son today, our youngest child, and while his death
Was ugly we must not let it scare us from God. Abundant grace has restored
Him. A brand new body. And set him free from the torture, finally rid of
The cancer. Before the moment he left he briefly wrested from death,
Suddenly opened his eyes, said, "I SEE EVERYTHING. I SEE
And I will never forget it, the peace and the comfort you displayed through
A pain that I can only imagine. The loss of a child to the torture of
Cancer. Help me. Because I can only imagine how you recovered, kept your
Faith and held the brightness of life inside the smile of a child you had
To bury. And I will never forget him or your steadfast faith. No, I will
Never forget you. Now six or seven years later, I'm devoid of all faith. I am empty of comfort and I am weary of waiting. Though I've felt nowhere
What you have, I see nothing at all. Though I've felt nowhere what he did,
My eyes are closed.