I play in a band, we're the best in the land We're big in both Chelsea and France I play one mean guitar and then score at the bar There's a line of chicks waiting for their chance So come on now honey, I'll make you feel pretty These other gals mean nothing to me Let's finish these drinks and be gone for the night "Cause I'm more than a handful, you'll see
(chorus) So kiss me I'm shitfaced I'm soaked I'm soiled and brown In the trousers, she kissed me And I only bought her one round
I can bench-press a car, I'm an ex-football star With degrees from both Harvard and Yale Girls just can't keep uo, I'm a real love machine I've had far better sex while in jail! I've designed the Sears Tower, I make two grand an hour I cook the world's best Duck Flambe I'll take the pick of the litter, girls jockey for me I don't need these lines to get laid
I'm a man of the night, a real ladies delight See my figure was chiseled from stone One more for the gal then I'll escort her home Come last call I'm never alone I've a house on the hill with a red waterbed That puts Hugh Heffner's mansion to shame With girls by the pool and Italian sports cars I'm just here in this dump for the game...
I'm a pitiful sight, and I ain't all that bright I'm definitely not chiseled from stone I'm a cheat and a liar, no woman's desire I'll probably die cold and alone... ...but just give me a chance, 'cause deep down inside I swear I've got a big heart of gold I'm a monogamous man, no more one night stands Come on honey, let me take you home.