Well, I was feelin' sad and feelin' blue, I didn't know what in the world I was gonna do, Them Communists they wus comin' around, They wus in the air, They wus on the ground. They wouldn't gimme no peace
So I run down most hurriedly And joined up with the John Birch Society, I got me a secret membership card And started off a-walkin' down the road. Yee-hoo, I'm a real John Bircher now! Look out you Commies!
Now we all agree with Hitlers' views, Although he killed six million Jews. It don't matter too much that he was a Fascist, At least you can't say he was a Communist! That's to say like if you got a cold you take a shot of malaria.
Well, I wus lookin' everywhere for them gol-darned Reds. I got up in the mornin' 'n' looked under my bed, Looked in the sink, behind the door, Looked in the glove compartment of my car. Couldn't find 'em
I wus lookin' high an' low for them Reds everywhere, I wus lookin' in the sink an' underneath the chair. I looked way up my chimney hole, I even looked deep inside my toilet bowl. They got away
Well, I wus sittin' home alone an' started to sweat, Figured they wus in my T.V. set. Peeked behind the picture frame, Got a shock from my feet, hittin' right up in the brain. Them Reds caused it! I know they did, them hard-core ones.
Well, I quit my job so I could work alone, Then I changed my name to Sherlock Holmes. Followed some clues from my detective bag And discovered they wus red stripes on the American flag! That ol' Betty Ross
Well, I investigated all the books in the library, Ninety percent of 'em gotta be burned away. I investigated all the people that I knowed, Ninety-eight percent of them gotta go. The other two percent are fellow Birchers, just like me.
Now Eisenhower, he's a Russian spy, Lincoln, Jefferson and that Roosevelt guy. To my knowledge there's just one man That's really a true American: George Lincoln Rockwell. I know for a fact he hates Commies cus he picketed the movie Exodus.
Well, I fin'ly started thinkin' straight When I run outa things to investigate. Couldn't imagine doin' anything else, So now I'm sittin' home investigatin' myself! Hope I don't find out anything, hmm, great God!