Last Will And Temperament
By The Frantics
Available on Frantic Times, cbc Records lm484, 1984
Executor: As the executor of Mr. Muldoon's estate, I have been empowered to read Mr. Muldoon's Last Will And Testament.
Hedge: Well, get on with it, the bars open soon.
Jenny: Oh, poor, dear Arthur! Waaaa!
Hank: Oh, there, there, Jenny.
Ralston: God, how predictably boring.
Mrs. Mulroy: I never worked for a kinder man.
Executor: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.
Ralston: I knew it.
Hedge: Heh heh heh heh.
Executor: "I, Arthur Durham Muldoon, being of sound mind and body..."
Hedge: That's a laugh!
Executor: "... do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows. To my overly emotional sister, Jenny..."
Jenny: Waaaa!
Hank: Jenny, darling, he's talking about us.
Jenny: Oh.
Executor: "... who grubbed with her husband, Hank, grubbed for everything they could get from me, and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy..."
Jenny: What?
Executor: "... To Jenny, I leave a boot to the head."
Jenny: A what?
*Bonk! *
Jenny: Ow!
Hank: Jenny, are you okay?
Executor: "... and another boot to her wimpy husband, Hank."
*Bonk! *
Hank: Ow!
Hedge: Hahahahaha...
Jenny: This is an outrage!
Executor: "... ah, but still, you are my sister, you have both admired my Rolls Royce, and since I no longer need it..."
Jenny: Oh, dear Arthur, he's too kind!
Hank: Yes.
Executor: "... I bequeath another boot to the head."
Jenny: What?
*Bonk! *
Jenny: Ow!
Hedge: Hahahaha...
Executor: "And one more for the wimp."
*Bonk! *
Hank: Ow!
Executor: "Next, to my alcoholic brother..."
Hedge: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head!
Executor: "... to dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life..."
Hedge: I'm coverin' up my head!
Executor: "... I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey."
Hedge: Really?
Executor: "And a boot to the head."
*Bonk! *
Hedge: oh!
Executor: "And another for Jenny and the wimp."
*Bonk! *
Jenny: Oh!
*Bonk! *
Hank: Ow!
Executor: "Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Ralston..."
Ralston: This is so predictable...
Executor: "... I leave a boot to the head."
*Bonk! *
Ralston: Uh! I knew it.
Executor: "And one for Jenny and the wimp."
*Bonk! *
Jenny: Ah!
*Bonk! *
Hank: oh!
Executor: "This takes care of family obligations. And now, to Mrs. Mulroy..."
Mrs. Mulroy: Oh, uh, I don't want nothin'.
Executor: "... who took care of me faithfully these many, many years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea..."
Mrs. Mulroy: Oh, I didn't mind.
Executor: "To Mrs. Mulroy, I bequeath a boot to the head."
*Bonk! *
Mrs. Mulroy: oh!
Executor: "And one for Jenny and the wimp."
*Bonk! *
Jenny: ah!
*Bonk! *
Hank: oh!
Executor: "And so, to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire vast... boot to the head!"
*Bonk! *
*Meow! *
Executor: "And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head... but a rabid Tasmanian devil, to be placed in his trousers!" Ooohhh! Oh, huh huh huh huh, and, and, "... and I leave my entire estate of million to the people of Calgary so they can afford to move somewhere decent!" Huh.
Hank: Is that it?
Ralston: That's it?
Hedge: That's disgraceful.
Executor: There's one last thing for everyone.
Hedge: Cover your heads, everybody!
Executor: "I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream."
Hank: Ice cream?
Hedge: Ice cream?
Ralston: Ice cream, that's all?
Executor: That's all.
Mrs. Mulroy: Well, what flavor is it?
Executor: Boot to the head!
*Bonk! * *Bonk! * *Bonk! * *Bonk! *
All: ow!
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