C.w. MccallMilton

Now, I'll tell ya a tale that'll bust yer heart That only a few people knew, ta start It all took place when our concert tour was booked at the SeaTac Hilton? I'll guarantee ev'ry word's the Gospel truth Got witnesses ta prove it, too, 'Cause we all toured with a fella by the name a' Milton Now Milton was o-fficial tour director, Electrical piano-playin' plug connector An' the slave-drivin'-est travel conductor That we ever seen in our lives He'd say "Whaddya mean, ya need more rest? "The world don't care whether ya look yer best! "Simply show up promptly at six A.M. with your instruments ...and your wives!" [Choir; in sorta of "Bringing In The Sheaves" way] Shall we gather at the airport? He'd always arrive in the nick a' time A good five minutes ahead a' flight time A-lookin' like he'd been drug through a needle's eye He'd stand there, stoned and about ta choke On his Egg McMuffin an' his giant Coke An' then he'd throw all the tickets on the counter and say "Check the bags and let's fly!" "Well, whaddya mean, this is too much weight? "We only got forty-six pieces a' freight! "And if it don't go, who's gonna explain it to our fan club in Tacoma?" We'd all get embarassed an' head for the plane While Milton stood there, bein' profane But somehow he always managed ta get on board ...in sort of a coma [Choir] When the drinks were served up yonder... Well, we deplaned at th' other end All the trouble seemed to commence again Though Milton had ordered three station wagons, a pickup truck and a limo And though he'd phoned ahead to that Number Two Cussin' an' fussin' an' turnin' blue We'd always end up with two Datsoons and a Pinto Now Milton took all a' that stuff in stride Laid on the floor, an' kicked an' cried But we always looked up to him for hope and salvation But we'd sink to the bottom a' trav'lers hell When he'd check us in a remote motel And he'd grab the clerk by his shirt an' tie an' say "Whaddya mean, їno reservaciГіnes?" [Choir] Milton's getting bolder... He'd shut himself in room one-oh-four Let nobody in 'til he swept the floor Adjusted the lampshade, aligned the TV, fixed the faucet, called the promoter "Well, whaddya mean we're the warmup show? "You're puttin' me on! We're stars, ya know! "And this ain't the way we was treated last summer at Six Flags Over Dakota! "Now we gotta have a hunnert percent top billing, "Two-thirds in advance, a' course, you silly! "I'm sure we prefer a chauffered limosine and two air-conditioned dressing rooms, please. "I'm what? Well, so's your wife! She's not? Well, to each his own. "Beg pardon, stick it in my what? Well, really, Merle who?" [Choir] William Morris, keep us working... Now, Milton was a real good friend a' mine An' we'd stuck together on down that line But there was one or two points over which we just had to dee-bate Like takin'-your-clothes-off-an'-hangin'-from-a-cross-in-front-a'-the-Tri-County-Fairgrounds Is not necessarily an assurance that the crowd ain't gonna start throwin' tomatas An' when ya arrive at four for a five o'clock show An' the stage ain't built an' there's no electricity About all ya could do is sit on yer butt an' cut bait However, you give ol' Milton four strong bodies, a nine-foot grand, a beer and a cigarette An' you just knew that show was gonna be ...outta state [Choir] Bringing in the bread Bringing in the bread... Now one night up there in Washington We didn't get paid for a show we'd done An' poor ol' Milton couldn't live with that; his brain just shorted out. Well, he locked himself in the bathroom An' then when he didn't come out for an hour an' a half We figgered that somethin' was wrong, but we had to remove all doubt We stood transfixed in shock and horror When we busted down that there bathroom door And I hope I never see a sight like that again; no, I don't There was nothin' to do but close our eyes, an' bow our heads, an' vocalize With a silent five-part acapella hymn, for him [Choir] What a friend we had in Milton... Now we're gettin' ready, come next December To put another concert tour together And I'm sad to say ol' Milton ain't a-gonna be with us No, it ain't gonna be exactly the same When they introduce us without his name So Milton, wherever you are, we hope you miss us! See, Milton has moved on down the road Over the rainbow, lookin' for gold Yeah, he's up there where the stage lights is always on But we can't forget that curly hair When last we saw him a-settin' there Holdin' his tambourine, suckin' his thumb, an' sound asleep on the john
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