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Correct Bush-Dukakis Debate Lyrics
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Saturday Night Live
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Correct Bush-Dukakis Debate
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(feat. Dana Carvey, Jon Lovitz, Tom Hanks, Jan Hooks, Phil Hartman & Kevin Nealon) [80's ABC News theme plays with opening card] Peter Jennings: Good evening. I'm Peter Jennings, here in Los Angeles, awaiting the start of the second and final presidential debate between Michael Dukakis and George Bush. As you may know, the League of Women Voters withdrew their sponsorship of this debate, citing unreasonable demands made by both campaigns. In fact, one of the conditions of the Bush camp requires us to tell you what's on other channels. On HBO, "The Sensuous Nurse", starring Ursula Andress and Udo Kier; on Showtime, "The Making of 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit?'", an entertaining look at this summer's blockbuster hit; and on ESPN, a repeat of the LSU-Georgia Tech Southeast Conference showdown. And on the other hand, the Democrats have asked us to announce that C-Span will be rerunning the Bentsen-Quayle debate at 4 a.m. Eastern time. Well, the debate is about to get started, so let's go down to our moderator - Diane Sawyer. Diane? Diane Sawyer: Thank you Peter. Good evening, I'm Diane Sawyer of "60 Minutes". Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice-President George Bush and Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis. Gentlemen. [ Bush and Dukakis enter the arena, the taller Bush immediately patting an angry Dukakis on the head. Bush stands behind his podium. Dukakis, too short for his podium, raises himself via a noisy hidden lift - now, up too high, he lowers himself to an optimum height. ] Diane Sawyer: Our panel of questioners are Elizabeth Dowd of the Cleveland Plain-Dealer, Sam Donaldson of "ABC News", and syndicated columnist Carl Rowan. The first question goes to Governor Dukakis, and will be asked by Elizabeth Dowd. Sam Donaldson: [ waving frantically ] Governor Dukakis!! Governor Dukakis!! Michael Dukakis: Sam. Sam Donaldson: Your leadership style has been described as technocratic, cool, emotionally dead. Even your closest admirers admit that sometimes you are distant and aloof, a bit of a cold fish. Pundits are saying that one of the reasons you trail in the polls is that you're uninspiring, and seem totally devoid of passion. Michael Dukakis: Sam, what's the question? Sam Donaldson: Well, I suppose the question, Governor, is do you have the passion necessary to lead this country? Michael Dukakis: [ unemotional ] Sam, that kind of aspersion on my character, quite frankly, makes me - well, there's no other word for it - enraged. Maybe I shouldn't say that in the heat of the moment, but I can't control myself. I apologize for flying off the handle. I'm just sorry my kids had to see me like this. Diane Sawyer: Mr. Bush. Rebuttal? Sam Donaldson: [ interrupting ] Mr. Vice-President!! Mr. Vice-President!! George Bush: Alright Sam. Sam, alright. Sam Donaldson: Do you really think SDI, or Star Wars, will work? I mean, do you really think it's possible to create a shield that would prevent any or all nuclear missiles from striking the United States? George Bush: Well I'm glad you asked me that, Sam, because tonight I can reveal something that has just been declassified. The key to SDI, the whole concept, is a time machine. Yes. It's a beautiful idea. Let's just say the Soviets launch a surprise attack, and a few of their missiles get through our network of particle beam lasers. Then we use the time machine. We go back in time, before the surprise attack. It's clean, it'll save our kids in the event of a Russian first strike. Now, who could be against that? Diane Sawyer: Governor Dukakis? Michael Dukakis: Well, if such a time machine were possible, I'd like the vice-president to explain why we haven't already been visited by time travelers from the future. You can't tell me that responsible members of a future government of the United States wouldn't, access to a time machine, come back, and reverse some of the mistakes - the cockamamie mistakes - made by this administration. Of course they would! Of course they would! This idea is ridiculous! Spending billions and billions on a time machine whose very existence defies logic is, in my mind, well, lunacy. George Bush: Well, Mr. Massachusetts, Mr. Harvard Yard Braniac... You may prove to yourself that it's impossible, but I think I'm like most Americans who'd rather see a time machine with an American flag on the side, and not a hammer and a sickle. [ the audience applauds ] Diane Sawyer: Please, as I warned you before, hold down your reaction, because it will only take away from your candidate's time. [ a tub of popcorn is thrown at her - she holds back her tears ] That was really uncalled for. Okay. Um... Sam Donaldson, uh, a question for Governor Dukakis. Sam Donaldson: Vice-President Bush, there are millions of homeless in this country - children who go hungry, and lacking in other basic necessities. How would a Bush administration achieve your stated goal of making this a kinder, gentler nation? George Bush: Well, Sam, that's a big problem, Sam, and unfortunately in the format of these debates makes it very hard to give a complete answer. If I had more time, I could spell out in greater detail, but I'm afraid, unfortunately in a short answer session like this, all I can say is we are on the track, we're getting the job done, we can do more -- but let's stay on course, a thousand points of light. Well, unfortunately, I see my time is up. Diane Sawyer: Uh, Mr. Vice-President, you still have a minute-twenty. George Bush: What? Well no, Diane, I must have spoken for at least two minutes. Thank you. Diane Sawyer: No, no, just forty seconds, Mr. Vice-President. George Bush: Really? Diane Sawyer: Mm-hmm. George Bush: Well... well, I must have used up that time, just in talking about it, right now. Diane Sawyer: No, no, Mr. Vice-President, it's not being counted against you. George Bush: Well, I just wouldn't want to take up some of Governor Dukakis' time. Diane Sawyer: It-- It won't. It will come out in the post-debate commentary. George Bush: Do you think that's a good idea? Diane Sawyer: You still have a minute-twenty, Mr. Vice-President. George Bush: Well, sure, more has to be done. But the program is in place, make no mistake. We are doing the job; let's just stay the course and keep on track... stay the course. Diane Sawyer: You still have, uh, fifty seconds left, Mr. Vice-President. George Bush: Let me just sum up. On track, stay the course. A thousand points of light. Stay the course. Diane Sawyer: Mm-hmm. Governor Dukakis. Rebuttal? Michael Dukakis: I can't believe I'm losing to this guy! [ Applause ] Diane Sawyer: And now to Carl Rowan, with a question for Vice-President Bush. Sam Donaldson: [ interrupting ] Mr. Vice-President!! Mr. Vice-President!! George Bush: Sam, Sam, go ahead, Sam. Sam Donaldson: Mr. Vice-President, wouldn't you agree that a lot of people, after watching Dan Quayle's performance last Wednesday, are, quite frankly, worried about his ability to step into the job of president should something, God forbid, happen to you? George Bush: Sam, let me just answer that question this way: I'm in perfect health. I jog everyday. Pulse rate is 43 beats per minute. Ticker's fine. I pledge that I will spend more money than any president ever has on Secret Service protection. I will go down in history as the president in the bulletproof bubble. Guys? [ a glass cylinder is lowered around Bush ] Carl Rowan, would you do the honors? [ Carl Rowan holds gun before Bush's glass bubble ] Go ahead, aim at my heart, Carl.. [ Carl fires bullets at Bush, but the only ricochet - eventually the glass bubble is lifted back up ] You see? There's nothing to worry about. Thank you, Carl. Diane Sawyer: Gentlemen, let's go to your closing statements. Governor Dukakis, you're first. Michael Dukakis: Ladies and gentlemen. I am the son of Greek immigrants. My parents were little people. Little swarthy people. So I understand the American dream. Yo comprende el dremo des Estados Unidos. [ repeats the phrase in French and Arabic ] Ladies and gentelmen, the question you have to ask yourself on November 8th is whose judgment do you trust? Do you trust the judgment of a man who traded arms to the Ayatollah and used that money to fund an illegal war in Central America? Or do you trust a son of Greek immigrants who can think and talk in complete sentences? [ Applause ] Ladies and gentlemen, I think the choice is obvious. Thank you very much. Diane Sawyer: Vice-President Bush? George Bush: Well Diane, let me answer some of that. First of all, I didn't know the Iran arms sales was going to the Contras. I was told the money was going for the bombing of abortion clinics. Now, this election is about the future. Yes, we want change. But we are the change! Do we want to go back to the malaise days of Jimmy Carter? I don't think so. So, once again, stay the course; we're on track. A thousand points of light. Thank you very much. Diane Sawyer: And thank you, gentlemen, for sharing this debate with the American public. I'm Diane Sawyer, saying goodnight. Peter Jennings: Well, thank you Diane, Diane Sawyer, correspondent. Well, this concludes the debate, and with me is my colleague, David Brinkley, a veteran in many such events. David, what were your impressions? David Brinkley: Well, what we saw were two men doing everything they could to avoid saying what they would do if elected. Because they know if they did, we wouldn't elect them. But that's nothing new, of course, Peter. Every president from Washington to Ronald Reagan has been either a liar or a fool, and usually both! Peter Jennings: Well, David, throughout your career, you've been known for your cynicism, but certainly you haven't lost that much faith in the Presidency. David Brinkley: Well, Peter, as I get older, I find I've lost faith in a good many things - country, family, religion, the love of a man for a woman.. I've reached a point where it's struggle just to get up in the morning, to continue to plod through a dreary, nasty, brutal life.. of terrible desperation.. at the end of which we're all just food for maggots! Peter Jennings: Food for maggots, indeed. Well, thank you, David. We have someone with us who will undoubtedly have a more upbeat interpretation of tonight's debate - George Bush's running mate, Senator Dan Quayle. Senator? [ little boy in a suit walks up ] Senator, just how did George Bush do tonight? Dan Quayle: Oh, he was great! I'm really proud to be his running mate! He was just great! He was presidential! He's gonna be a great president, and I'll be the vice-president! And that'll be great! So let's go get 'em! Peter Jennings: I'm sure it will be great, Senator. I'd like to ask you a question about last Wednesday's debate. Why did you have so much trouble answering the questions about what you would do in the event you became president? Dan Quayle: [ stumped ] Gee, uh.. yeah, sure.. Mrs. Quayle: [ jumps in and pulls Dan away ] Come on, honey, let's go. Dan Quayle: My wife! Peter Jennings: The Senator and Mrs. Dan Quayle. Well, on that note, I think it's time for all of us to go. For David Brinkley, I'm Peter Jennings. Thanks for joining us.
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