One bright and sunny mornin' down on avenue be as i was returnin' home from a night of debauchery i met me landlord boris, "yo," says he, "would ya ever go over to czechoslovakia, marry me daughter for me?"
he waved a pistol and 5000 dollars in me face "she better be a virgin, when she hits the states" i told him i had some business with the pope in rome so he threw in a ticket to italy on me way back home
would you ever go over to czechoslovakia, marry me daughter forme she's the finest girl in prague, you'll ever see her name is citizen gertie, a communist is she she wants to come to america, be a capitalist like me
when i landed in slovakia, i drank a dozen pints but when i caught a glimpse of gertie i nearly died of fright she was 6 feet in her stockings, she viewed me with dismay "is this the best they can do for me in the dear old usa?"
but despite me splittin' headache, i wooed her like a man and very soon thereafter we were married in prague i remembered boris' pistol and me vow of chastity but when she pinned me to the bed that night, i gave upinstantly..
bright and early next mornin' i went to see the pope in rome gertie left for america, make new york her home she landed down on avenue be lookin' for a mansion grand boris was drunk, the building stunk, the city was mad she'd been had, this was the height of depravity - not what she'd seen onmtv...
i wasn't farin' much better with the holy father in rome some turkish wiseguy whacked him and he wasn't even at home so i landed back in new york oh so sad stared down the barrel of boris's gun, jeez was he ever mad he accused me of buggerin' his daughter but to make mattersworse she'd spent over 20 grand in macys and in saks she sat there in her underwear, gave me a dirty wink but when i thought about the credit cards me love began toshrink
so we drove her out to kennedy 14 trunks and all and we said a prayer for the holy father back in rome but as her plane rose over rockaway, boris he said to me "would you ever go over to czechoslovakia and marry me daughterfor me..."